A LETTER TO MY BEST FRIEND.

This blog is owned and authored by OKELLO ELIOT OTWAO

Dearest best friend,

Hey, how are you? How have you been? I hope you are doing well.

I wanted to say sorry for what I did because I know what I did to you was horrible. While I thought I would never have to write this letter to you of all people, I still can’t stop crying about it. I’m such a bad person and I shouldn’t have done that to you and I’m so sorry. I want us to laugh and joke around like we used to and I us to relate again. I want to be able to say that you will be with me and I will be with you forever and that I’ll never leave you. I want to be able to say that again.

 I realize how mean I was. And, how I was a jerk and how I was so self-indulgent and how I was a bad friend. I want and I beg you to forget this whole thing like it never happened. Except that won’t happen.

I miss you. I know I miss you because I’ve been actively trying to think about anything but you for the last hour. Who are we kidding? The last few days since our last phone call. You’ve blocked me on Instagram. You’ve unfollowed me on Facebook. Blacklisted my number. Erased my existence in your life. But here I am still missing you. Still hoping that your number lights up my phone and I feel my heart swell because you want to talk to me. But it’s never going to be the same. It’s never going to be the same even if you did come back.

I know I miss you because when I heard that dumb Charlie Puth song “One Call Away” I teared up. I don’t tear up at dumb, sad pop songs but I do now because of you. You’ve made me into this soft, gentle person. Gentle or soft would have never been words I used to describe myself before but I guess now they’re part of the rotation.

I wonder how in such a short period you could have meant so much to me but time doesn’t mean anything. It really doesn’t. I know we should wait a certain amount of time to tell another person we care but why? Why are we waiting when our souls recognized each other the second our eyes met? There was a moment so pure when you were holding me when I thought I was done. I was done looking because meeting you meant I was done. You were it.

It freaks me the fuck out that in such a short period of time that I was more certain of anything than I had been in my entire life. I had no doubts. I always have doubts but I didn’t this time. I definitely fought to fall for you because it felt too right. When something feels too right, you often wait for the other shoe to drop. You often wonder when this feeling of good is going to turn to pain.

I thought I knew pain before but I had no idea.

You have been the most painful feeling I’ve ever felt. When I let myself experience the pain for a second, it cripples me. And the sad part is that you think you mean nothing to me. You were always questioning my feelings for you. You felt like I deserved more. I didn’t deserve more than you because you were and are enough.

Right now, I’m still grappling with the fact that you don’t want me. Maybe your feelings didn’t develop as fast as mine but I don’t think you share the moments we had without it being reciprocated. But then again maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I was convincing myself of something that was never truly there. Maybe I’m going to meet someone else and her love is going to feel a million times stronger.

But what if it doesn’t?

What if I am doomed to roam this Earth knowing what love feels like and knowing it’s never going to feel that way again?

When I sit on my couch, all I picture is you next to me. I picture your dumb smile. Your stupid face. Your idiotic way to make me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. Your reckless kiss that not only touched my cheeks but turned me inside out. Your crazy ability to bring out the best in me.

I hate the fact that right now I think about you negatively. I hate that I feel like you tricked me. I hate that I feel hopeless without you. I hate that I’ve been acting like half the person I used to be because the pain I feel is so real that the only thing that works in numbing it through meaningless interactions.

It’s my fault that I fell so hard for you so quickly. I had expectations of you that you couldn’t meet. All I want is for you to be happy. Your happiness means so much to me. When you love someone all you want is for them to move forward and be the best version of themselves. And I do wish that for you. I just wish I could have been there to see it.

 I am sorry for everything and I hope you can forgive me because I don’t know how much longer I can make it knowing I was a jerk to you so much that you can’t forgive me.

Can we please put this all behind us?

Yours sincerely,

OKELLO ELIOT OTWAO