DEALING WITH LONELINESS AND SHYNESS.
Dealing with Loneliness and Shyness
Are you socially awkward? Do you feel lonely but
unsure how to connect with others? Here’s how to make friends even if you’re
shy.
Understanding
shyness and loneliness
As humans, we’re meant to be social
creatures. Having friends makes us happier and healthier—in fact, being
socially connected is key to our mental and emotional health. Yet many of us
are shy and socially introverted. We feel awkward around unfamiliar people,
unsure of what to say, or worried about what others might think of us. This can
cause us to avoid social situations, cut ourselves off from others, and
gradually become isolated and lonely.
Loneliness is a common problem among
people of all ages and backgrounds, and yet it’s something that most of us hesitate
to admit. But loneliness is nothing to feel ashamed about. Sometimes, it’s a
result of external circumstances: you’ve moved to a new area, for example. In
such cases, there are lots of steps you can take to meet new people and turn
acquaintances into friends.
But what if you’re struggling with
shyness, social insecurity, or a long-standing difficulty making friends? The
truth is that none of us are born with social skills. They’re things we learn
over time—and the good news is that you can learn them, too. No matter how
nervous you feel in the company of others, you can learn to silence
self-critical thoughts, boost your self-esteem, and become more confident in
your interactions with others. You don’t have to change your personality, but
by learning new skills and adopting a different outlook you can overcome
shyness or social awkwardness, banish loneliness, and enjoy strong, fulfilling
friendships.
Is shyness and insecurity a
problem for you?
·
Are you
afraid of looking stupid in social situations?
·
Do you worry
a lot about what others think of you?
·
Do you
frequently avoid social situations?
·
Do other
people seem to have a lot more fun than you do in social situations?
·
Do you
assume it’s your fault when someone rejects you or seems uninterested?
·
Is it hard
for you to approach people or join in conversations?
·
After
spending time with others, do you tend to dwell on and criticize your
“performance?”
·
Do you often
feel bad about yourself after socializing?
If you answered “yes” to these
questions, this article can help.
Tackling
social insecurity and fear
When it comes to shyness and social
awkwardness, the things we tell ourselves make a huge difference. Here are some
common thinking patterns that can undermine your confidence and fuel social
insecurity:
·
Believing
that you’re boring, unlikeable, or weird.
·
Believing
that other people are evaluating and judging you in social situations.
·
Believing
that you’ll be rejected and criticized if you make a social mistake.
·
Believing
that being rejected or socially embarrassed would be awful and devastating.
·
Believing
that what others think about you defines who you are.
If you believe these things, it’s no
wonder social situations seem terrifying! But the truth is never quite so
black-and-white.
People
aren’t thinking about you—at least
not to the degree that you think. Most people are caught up in their own lives
and concerns. Just like you’re thinking about yourself and your own social
concerns, other people are thinking about themselves. They’re not spending
their free time judging you. So stop wasting time worrying about what others
think of you.
Many other
people feel just as awkward and nervous as you do. When you’re socially anxious, it
can seem as though everyone else is an extrovert brimming with self-confidence.
But that’s not the case. Some people are better at hiding it than others, but
there are many introverted people out there struggling with the same
self-doubts as you are. The next person you speak to is just as likely to be
worried about what you think of them!
People are
much more tolerant than you think. In your mind, the very idea of doing or saying something
embarrassing in public is horrifying. You’re sure that everyone will judge you.
But in reality, it’s very unlikely that people are going to make a big deal
over a social faux pas. Everyone has done it at some point so most will just
ignore it and move on.
Learning to accept
yourself
When you start realizing that people
are NOT scrutinizing and judging your every word and deed, you’ll automatically
feel less nervous socially. But that still leaves the way you feel about
yourself. All too often, we’re our own worst critics. We’re hard on ourselves
in a way we’d never be to strangers—let alone the people we care about.
Learning to accept yourself doesn’t happen
overnight—it requires changing your thinking.
You don’t
have to be perfect to be liked. In fact, our imperfections and quirks can be endearing. Even
our weaknesses can bring us closer to others. When someone is honest and open
about their vulnerabilities, it’s a bonding experience—especially if they’re
able to laugh at themselves. If you can cheerfully accept your awkwardness and
imperfections, you’ll likely find that others will, too. They may even like you
better for it!
It’s okay to
make mistakes. Everyone
makes mistakes; it’s part of being human. So give yourself a break when you
mess up. Your value doesn’t come from being perfect. If you find
self-compassion difficult, try to look at your own mistakes as you would those
of a friend. What would you tell your friend? Now follow your own advice.
Your
negative self-evaluations don’t necessarily reflect reality. In fact, they probably don’t,
especially if you:
1.
Call
yourself names, such as “pathetic,” “worthless,” “stupid,” etc.
2. Beat yourself up with all the
things you “should” or “shouldn’t” have done.
3. Make sweeping generalizations
based on a specific event. For example, if something didn’t go as planned, you
tell yourself that you’ll never get things right, you’re a failure, or you
always screw up.
When you’re thinking such distorted
thoughts, it’s important to pause and consciously challenge them. Pretend
you’re an impartial third-party observer, then ask yourself if there are other
ways of viewing the situation.
Building
social skills one step at a time
Improving social skills requires
practice. Just as you wouldn’t expect to become good on the guitar without some
effort, don’t expect to become comfortable socially without putting in the
time. That said, you can start small. Take baby steps towards being more
confident and social, then build on those successes.
·
Smile at
someone you pass on the street.
·
Compliment
someone you encounter during your day.
·
Ask someone
a casual question (at a restaurant, for example: “Have you been here before?
How’s the steak?”)
·
Start a
conversation with a friendly cashier, receptionist, waiter, or salesperson.
How to face your
biggest social fears
When it comes to the things that really
scare us, you want to face your fears in a gradual way, starting with
situations that are slightly stressful and building up to more
anxiety-provoking scenarios. Think of it as a stepladder, with each rung a
little more stressful than the last. Don’t move on to the next step until
you’ve had a positive experience with the step below. For example, if talking
to new people at parties makes you extremely anxious, here is a stepladder you
could use:
1.
Go to a
party and smile at a few people.
2. Go to a party and ask a simple
question (e.g. “Do you know what time it is?”). Once they’ve answered, politely
thank them and then excuse yourself. The key is to make the interaction short
and sweet.
3. Ask a friend to introduce you to
someone at the party and help facilitate a short conversation.
4. Pick someone at the party who
seems friendly and approachable. Introduce yourself.
5. Identify a non-intimidating group
of people at the party and approach them. You don’t need to make a big
entrance. Just join the group and listen to the conversation. Make a comment or
two if you’d like, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
6. Join another friendly,
approachable group. This time, try to participate a bit more in the
conversation.
More tips for developing social
confidence
·
Fake it til you make it. Acting as if you’re
confident can make you feel more confident.
·
Focus externally, not internally. Instead of worrying about
how you’re coming across or what you’re going to say, switch your focus from
yourself to the other person. You’ll live more in the moment and you’ll feel
less self-conscious.
·
Laugh at yourself. If you do something
embarrassing, use humor to put things in perspective. Laugh, learn, and move
on.
·
Do things to help others or brighten another
person’s day. It can be something as small as a compliment or smile. When you
spread positivity, you’ll feel better about yourself.
Tips
for making conversation
Some people seem to instinctively know
how to start a conversation with anyone, in any place. If you’re not one of
these lucky types, these tips will help you start talking when you first meet
someone:
Here are some easy ways
to engage in conversation with someone new
Remark on
the surroundings or occasion. If you’re at a party, for example, you could comment on the
venue, the catering, or the music in a positive way. “I love this song,” “The
food’s great. Have you tried the chicken?”
Ask an
open-ended question, one that requires more than just a yes or no answer. Adhere to the journalist’s credo
and ask a question that begins with one of the 5 W’s (or 1 H): who, where,
when, what, why, or how. For example, “Who do you know here?” “Where do you
normally go on a Friday?” “When did you move here?” “What keeps you busy?” “Why
did you decide to become a vegetarian?” “How is the wine?” Most people enjoy
talking about themselves so asking a question is a good way to get a conversation
started.
Use a
compliment. For
example, “I really like your purse, can I ask where you got it?” or “You look
like you’ve done this before, can you tell me where I have to sign in?”
Note
anything you have in common and ask a follow up question. “I play golf as well, what’s your
favorite local course?” “My daughter went to that school, too, how does your
son like it?”
Keep the
conversation going with small talk. Don’t say something that’s obviously provocative and avoid
heavy subjects such as politics or religion. Stick to light subjects like the
weather, surroundings, and anything you have in common such as school, movies,
or sports teams.
Listen
effectively. Listening
is not the same as waiting for your turn to talk. You can’t concentrate on what
someone’s saying if you’re forming what you’re going to say next. One of the
keys to effective communication is to focus fully on the speaker and show
interest in what’s being said. Nod occasionally, smile at the person, and make
sure your posture is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with
small verbal cues like “yes” or “uh huh.”
What
to do when social situations tire you out
There’s a common misconception that
introverts aren’t social. In fact, introverts can be just as social as
extroverts. The difference between the two is that introverts lose energy when
they’re around people and recharge by spending time alone, while extroverts
gain energy by spending time with other people.
What this means is that even socially
confident introverts will feel tired after a lot of socializing. It doesn’t
mean there’s anything wrong with you or that you’re incapable of having a
fulfilling social life. You just need to understand your limits and plan
accordingly.
Don’t
overcommit. It’s
okay to turn down social invitations because you need a break or schedule
downtime after socializing. After a fun Saturday out with friends, for example,
you may need to spend Sunday alone to rest and recharge.
Take
mini-breaks. There
will be times when you’re feeling drained, but you can’t leave the situation
for extended alone time. Maybe you’re at a busy work convention, you’re on a
getaway with friends, or you’re visiting family for the holidays. In these
circumstances, try to find time to slip away to a quiet corner when it wouldn’t
be seen as rude. Even 10 or 15 minutes here and there can make a big
difference.
Talk to your
family and friends about your alone-time needs. Be up front about the fact that
socializing drains you. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, and trying to hide it
will only add to your social exhaustion. Good friends will be sympathetic and
willing to accommodate your needs.
Dealing
with social setbacks and rejection
As you put yourself out there socially,
there will be times when you feel judged or rejected. Maybe you reached out to
someone, but they didn’t seem interested in having a conversation or starting a
friendship.
There’s no question: rejection feels
bad. But it’s important to remember that it’s part of life. Not everyone you
approach will be receptive to starting a conversation, let alone becoming
friends. Just like dating, meeting new people inevitably comes with some
element of rejection. The following tips will help you have an easier time with
social setbacks:
Try not to
take things too personally. The
other person may be having a bad day, be distracted by other problems, or just
not be in a talkative mood. Always remember that rejection has just as much to
do with the other person as it does with you.
Keep things
in perspective. Someone
else’s opinion doesn’t define you, and it doesn’t mean that no one else will be
interested in being your friend. Learn from the experience and try again.
Don’t dwell
on mistakes. Even
if you said something you regret, for example, it’s unlikely that the other
person will remember it after a short time. Stay positive; refrain from
labeling yourself a failure, or from telling yourself that you’ll never be able
to make friends. The very shyest people do, and so will you.
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